FAQ: What to do if you have a demon in your home?

Demons are funny things. Well not so much “funny.” More like terrifying. They can either be a simple angry spirit that hurls kitchen knives at you, or they can take the physical shape of some multi-tenticled hellspawn with six mouths and a mind that telepathically screams words and images capable of plunging you into a nightmare realm of torture. But whatever your class of demonic possession, this handy FAQ will help you deal with it.

Let’s get started!

I have awoken to a horrible sound coming from my living room.

You should probably go and investigate to see what is going on. Considering this is a booklet on demons, coming face-to-face with one is a startlingly possible scenario.

There seems to be some kind of…goat…in my living room, eating my throw pillows.

If it is simply a goat, consider calling animal control. Or simply shoo it out of your house and into the street where someone else will deal with it. I’m sure someone is looking for their goat.

It has six legs and a tail made purely of bone. I doubt this is a regular goat.

Then it is probably a demon. I fucking told you so. A goat is commonly associated with hell and demonic imagery. Booyah.

Should I still try to remove it myself?

Probably not. You have no idea what kind of powers this particular demon possesses. For all you know it’s a soul-eater.

A what?

A soul-eater. You know, feast on your immortal, holy vessel? If it manages to devour your soul, you’ll know nothing but suffering for all of eternity.

I’m kinda scared.

Odds are it isn’t a soul-eater. That is reserved for a higher class of demon. Usually something that looks more…demony.

I still don’t know what to do about the goat-thing.

Has it noticed you yet? If it hasn’t, try to get it’s attention. If you are lucky, it’s simply lost on our mortal plane, and will run back the festering womb from which it was spawned.

I hit it in the head with a coffee table book. It looks pissed.

Which coffee table book did you hit it with?

Seasons by Frans Heidrich.

Fuck, that book sucks. No wonder you only managed to make it angry.

I fail to see what my choice of book has to do with anything.

Look, just don’t sweat it. You have a couple of options here. On the one hand, you can try and fight it. If you are a particularly religious sort…

I’m not.

Then you might want to consider the other option of…

The goat has torn one of my kidneys out, and is eating it.

This means you have encountered a Gnuth T’kour. This is a special class of demon with a particular fondness for human organs. They are usually employed by Satan to eat the innards of the worst sinners. These organs grow back with each passing day, so the sinners are forced to have their own intestines eaten in front of them until the end of time. Legend has it that…

The goat has removed a large portion of my small intestine.

He’s already onto your gut? Man, you are fu…

The goat is devouring my liver.

Your last hope is to carve a pentagram on your chest and accept Satan as your lord and master. This might sway the Lord of Darkness into giving you a less demeaning eternity in hell. Like scooping up the fetid shit of the crucified, or waxing his evil Mercedes.

Satan drives a Mercedes?

Yes, yes he does.

I think I’m dead.

You can’t be dead if you are asking questions.

…

Now you are dead.

This entry was posted on 15. June 2008 at 21:46 and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your own site.